I knew deep inside that I would teach others how to get sober. But there was one pretty huge glitch…I was still drinking. That was some tricky business. Here is my story:
This is a hard but important piece for me to write because it is my first (about sobriety, not the first piece of writing). And nobody ever forgets their first. I’m sharing it because along my path I was given hope by those who went before me. They rocked me with stories of honesty, courage, and pain. Mostly they changed me by offering light & knowledge. These unknown people gave me confidence that I could stop drinking, they turned my spark into a fire. So Dearest One, if you have ever questioned your relationship with alcohol even a teensy weensy bit, read on because it is my turn to offer you hope.
My Soul wanted to stop drinking years before my physical body got on board. Soul would say things like “this really isn’t working” – I quickly blocked that one. Then Soul started making deals with me which I artfully dodged. I was excellent at ignoring my smarter self, but she became more difficult to evade every passing year. It looked like this…drink wine, tune out, feel like crap, constantly think about the gifts you’re wasting and the lost potential, lose respect for self so feel even worse, therefore, drink more, repeat. For years. Oh yeah, and continue to get more and more tired every week of every year.
Most folks in my life will read this and find it hard to believe. I am a high performing kind of gal. I’m the one who is at the gym at 6 am, a busy working professional in a small town who is married with children, I volunteer and contribute to my wonderful community. I have amazing friends and a full life. I am living the dream developing a loyal tribe online, teaching them the foundation of healthy living. I did all of this while drinking wine most nights of the week. I was totally drowning.
My brain was seriously hardwired to indulge even though every sip I took drove me farther from myself. It took decades of impressive partaking to create that kind of brain. If drinking was a career I was verging on a Ph.D. Since I hit my stride in the 80’s you may have expected the typical start to be little steps with Baby Duck and California Coolers, remember those? Nope, not my crowd. We started with lemon gin – straight out of the bottle. While I was a kid I learned to drink hard and fast and so did most of my Posse. Thankfully, the lemon gin was a short phase as we ran the booze spectrum – ending with expensive wine as our drink of choice. The Posse I learned to drink with…we are still together. Something happened in those formative years both with alcohol and bonding because 40+ years later they are still my Soul sisters, the fabric of my being, the best part. But alcohol became part of the fabric of my being as well – the worst part.
Occasionally in my life there was something I wanted more than drinking. I wanted a degree and I wanted motherhood, so I stopped drinking to achieve those goals. I also gave it up here and there but that pathway in my brain kept getting stronger and stronger. Relax, have fun, deal with stress, hang with your friends all meant drink drink drink. In my version of non-sobriety, there was no passing out, no vomiting, no missed work, no DUI, no trauma. But there was the daily regret of constantly letting myself down. I witnessed my soul lose respect for myself. I was living the life Garth Brooks talked about when he said: “I’m much too young to feel this damn old”.
The road was looking long.
The more this happened the more I drank but still…there was a spark inside that grew slowly until I knew I would implode if I didn’t step over to the other side. Change or become an empty shell.
Writing this is very hard on every level. Mainly that I don’t exactly know what I’m doing which makes it tricky to put into words. What I know for sure is the massive amounts of reading and research I have done the last few months gave me HOPE. It made me believe I could do it and it helped me change my unconscious thinking. I have reversed a deeply seated core belief which is something I never thought would happen. I did not expect to become a happy non – drinker who has no cravings but here I am, exactly that. There IS hope and if you, Beautiful One, are beginning to wonder about your relationship with alcohol please stick with me. I questioned mine for many, many years. It started small and it grew big. Wherever you are on that spectrum I will help lead you. If it’s simply a tiny thought niggling in your mind or you want to make a change right NOW… let’s move forward together!
If you’re ready to grab a FREE copy of my best tips to start to explore your relationship with alcohol click on the link at the top of this page! These simple ideas started me on the road to happily living alcohol free, even when I never would’ve believed it could happen. xox Donna